this year has honestly been a disaster when it comes to my mental health, especially with the constant anxious episodes that seem to pop up out of nowhere. i’ve been stuck in this weird comfort zone for way too long, rotting away without realizing it, and it’s made me into a much less active, engaged person. i’ve become a total jerkface loser who just sits in front of their computer all day doing absolutely nothing productive. it’s such a toxic cycle, unhealthy in every way and it’s starting to hit me how much it’s been affecting my life.
on top of that, i completely missed my summer job because the workplace had issues, and they couldn’t give me any hours. sure, that wasn’t entirely my fault, but as a grown adult, i should’ve handled it better and taken responsibility instead of just shrugging it off. but, let’s be real, i hate responsibility. it’s the absolute worst. i always try to escape it by diving headfirst into being this chronically online freak who clings to nostalgia for comfort. i’ve even noticed myself acting more childish lately, and honestly, i hate it. being an adult feels so overwhelming sometimes, and it’s like my brain just rebels against it.
to make matters worse, i’ve been stuck in this toxic cycle of complaining about being lonely but not actually doing much to change it. that mindset has been eating away at me. my anxiety has skyrocketed, and i’ve been so insecure about myself, constantly fearing that people will discover something about me they don’t like. it’s like i’m terrified of being rejected or judged for who i really am.
and then there’s the group drama. we ended up cutting ties with a few people who were just too toxic and caused way too much chaos over the years. technically, they weren’t all my friends (except one), but still, it was a tough situation. even after everything, i’ve kept in contact with them here and there after a month of silence. maybe it’s weird, but i don’t like being the type of person who talks shit or holds grudges. i’ve been trying to learn how to approach things with positivity, even when my brain is filled with negativity and the weirdest intrusive thoughts.
despite all the negativity, though, there were a few bright spots. i’ve made some new friends in different environments, and that’s been a refreshing change. i’m still figuring out who i am and what i stand for, which is an ongoing journey. honestly, i’ve never come out to anyone about my identity because of how society can be, and let’s face it, people’s judgment can be scary as hell. but hey, at least i’ve had moments to chill with my homies. i even graduated school—yay me! it’s one of those things i never thought i’d actually pull off, but here we are. plus, seeing sonic 3 with my friends was such a wild, fun experience. we were all screaming like idiots at the end, and it was a moment of pure joy i’ll always treasure.
at the end of the day, i know i’m still going to be cringe, but i’m okay with that. being free to be myself, even if it’s messy and chaotic, is way better than forcing myself into some stupid direction that doesn’t feel right.
tldr; this year has been tough on my mental health, with anxiety and being stuck in a comfort zone making me feel unproductive and childish. i missed my summer job due to issues with the workplace but also because i avoided responsibility, which i honestly hate. i've been insecure, lonely, and scared of judgment, even as i try to figure out who i really am.
we cut ties with some toxic people in the group, though i’ve stayed in occasional contact because i’m not one to hold grudges. despite the negativity, i made some new friends, graduated school, and had fun moments like screaming at the end of sonic 3 with my friends. i’m still cringe, but i’m okay with being free and figuring life out my own way.